My Secret Shame

I would say by most standards I’m a fairly involved father. I take Natalie to school on Mondays and Tuesdays, bring her to soccer every Saturday, make her dinner and do her laundry. I’ve changed my share of dirty diapers and changed the bed in the middle of the night when the sheets get wet (though I must admit to perhaps doing a little less than my fair share on this task). I’m not Superdad, but I’m no slouch either.

And professionally, I’d say that I’m fairly accomplished. Over the course of my career I’ve managed marketing campaigns that have generated in excess of $2 billion in revenue. I’ve increased the profitability for each of the companies that I’ve worked for, helped start and grow 3 different brands and built 5 customer databases. And now I’m striking out on my own in the worst economic climate in 70 years. I’m no Steve Jobs, but I’m no Willie Loman either.

I say this all to point out that I’m a pretty good dad and a fairly accomplished professional. There’s not a lot that I can’t do. But there is one little girl task that I have not, cannot and will never master…

HAIR

I am genetically and genderly challenged when it comes to the dealing with little girl hair. I can wash Natalie’s hair. And I can run a brush though her hair. But when the ribbons, elastics or barrettes come out I go running for the hills screaming in terror. I stand a better chance of finding a cure for cancer than I do creating a pony tail, pig tails or a braid.

If you think I’m kidding look a Natalie’s hair from last week’s inauguration. You don’t think I did that do you? That’s her hair from the day before. She slept with the elastics in her hair so I wouldn't have to do anything the next day.

I’m like the kid in class who can’t read, but has somehow managed to get to senior year without anyone knowing. On those occasions when I know that Natalie’s Mom won’t be around and her hair will need to be done I develop scenarios, alternatives, options all to ensure that I don’t have to even try to do her hair.

And the worst is when I have to ask another woman to do her hair, especially when she doesn’t have a child. I get this look that says “Sure I’ll make up your daughter’s hair, because it’s clear that you are inept and would probably do your daughter lasting psychological damage if you tried”.

Do you know that look? No. Well let me assure you that it exists. And the only comfort that I get is knowing that every other dad on the planet has also seen that look.

So now you know my secret.

Inaguaration Escapade - The Sequel

Yesterday at 12:01 pm Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th, and first African American, President of the United States. While Natalie can’t pronounce his name, she was there.

The day went much better than one could expect given that it was 25 degrees and one million other dads also decided to bring their daughters to the inauguration. In fact it went without a hitch, in very large part because of excellent suggestions by Natalie’s aunt and her friend.

In case you’re wondering, an inauguration requires great planning – what to bring, what to wear and so on. Here’s a partial list of what I packed the night before…

3 packets of Tissues
1 lb of gummy bears
16 small packs of Disney Princess Treats
1 lb Genoa salami
3 small bottles of water
2 packs of Oscar Meyer Lunchables
6 ft rope (more about that later)
2 pairs of mittens, hats and neckups
1 Reece’s Easter Egg
Small pack of Oreo’s
Digital Camera
Disposable Princess Camera
Binoculars

Did I mention that backpacks weren’t allowed? Thank goodness for cargo pants.

I woke Natalie up at 6:30 (it’s usually the other way around) and was stunned when I turned on the local news. The National Mall was already full! Inappropriate words rolled through my head (and may have passed my lips) as I watched a sea of people fill the TV screen.

Uh-oh.

If it was this packed before the sun came up, what was it going to be like in an hour or so? Although Natalie’s aunt’s friend left to get us a place in line at the Newseum when we were waking up, I never really expected we would get in. Hanging out on the National Mall was the backup plan that was really the main plan. If the crowds kept on getting bigger we’d end up on the other side of the Potomac.

It turned out that it was easier than I could have ever expected.

We left about 8am and caught a cab that was able to take us within 4 blocks of the Newseum. The crowds were heavy, but I had tied Natalie and I together - no kidding! I also stuffed my business cards in every pocket of her pants and coat in case we got separated.

While we were walking the last few blocks I came across the guy who was selling the BEST inauguration pins. I know it’s true because he told me so.

We were able to quickly and easily find the line to the Newseum and Natalie’s aunt’s friend, who was holding a place in line for us.

I am not a line jumper. And truth be told, doing so posed a bit of a moral quandary for me. But I think in situations involving four year olds, events of historical significance and temperatures below freezing there must be a precedent or exception of some sort.

Standing outside in temperatures below freezing with a four year old is a recipe for disaster, but I had been inspired the night before. About 11pm while pondering what to do while standing around idle for most of the day - it hit me! I downloaded 3 princess movies onto my iPhone for Natalie to watch. It didn’t stop her from being uncomfortable, but it distracted her enough to get us in the door without a major meltdown.

It wasn’t until we were inside that I fully understood how inspired the idea of watching the inauguration from the Newseum was. After going through security, we checked our coats (that’s right – there was a coat check!), went to the cafeteria for coffee (that’s right – hot coffee AND food) and went to the top floor where we could look straight down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capital. We were also able to look right out the front window and see the motorcade traveling from the White House to the ceremony.

We could barely make out the platform with binoculars, but I never expected to be close enough to see. The view from 4 miles is as good as 1 mile. But to be ¼ mile away, inside, warm, with flushable toilets and 75 large screen TVs simulcasting the ceremony from every major news source in the world, was about as great an experience as it could get.

Several times I tried to text and call Natalie’s mom to let her know all was well, but the phone circuits were so overwhelmed that there was no service. I finally had to borrow someone’s phone to call and let her know that we were doing fine.

Natalie sat along the wall, during the pre-ceremony events watching her princess movie. Every once in a while I’d pause the movie to point out former presidents or other notable events. When the time for the actual ceremony came, we watched from the 100 foot video wall showing the event from newsfeeds around the world. When Rick Warren included the Lord’s Prayer as part of his invocation Natalie recited it along with him. When the president-elect arrived Natalie took a picture of the screen with the disposable Princess camera I bought her. When he took the oath of office, she stood and clapped along with everyone else in the room.

Afterwards, during his speech we wandered back to the main room where we could see the Capital. As the ceremony wound down it was clear that Natalie wasn’t going to last another six hours for the parade, no matter how warm or how good the seats were, so we decided to leave.

The only hitch of the day came on our way back to Natalie’s aunt’s house. We couldn’t find a taxi, so we had to walk. In the grand scheme of what could have gone wrong, this barely merits comment. But I see it as a sign that the fates wanted Natalie to be there, and some price, no matter how paltry, needed to be extracted.

We got back to the house and watched the Congressional luncheon and start of the parade before heading home. There was some traffic on the way out of the city, but not as much as you might expect. And the trip south was uneventful. We arrived home exactly six hours after the oath was administered.

I asked Natalie what she liked least about going to the inauguration and without missing a beat she said “Standing in line in the cold and walking home”.

I then asked Natalie was she liked most and she replied “Watching the princess movie.” Then she added, “and seeing President Orack Obama”.

Inaguaration Escapade - Part I

Earlier today Natalie and I departed Richmond for our two day inauguration extravaganza. I didn’t vote for the guy, but there’s no denying that January 20 will mark an historic turning point for the country. I wanted Natalie to be able to tell her kids and grandkids that she was there.

Now I should say that almost everyone I’ve told has said that I’m crazy to bring a four year old to an inauguration that is expected to have 4 million people in attendance. The rest think the same thing, but I have to read it in their eyes.

So far things have worked out. We left Richmond at noon and the GPS said that it would take 1 hr and 45 minutes. I had packed enough kids movies for 3 times that, expecting gridlock the whole way. After about an hour I started wondering when the traffic would start. 15 minutes later I wanted to call Natalie’s mom to say that we still hadn’t hit the traffic, but I was afraid I’d jinx it. Then, 1 hr and 35 minutes after we left I was standing on Natalie’ aunt’s front stoop. No traffic – zip, zero, zilch.

I got here so early that I had no idea what to do with the rest of the day. I ended up going downtown to get a membership to the Newseum. Natalie’s aunt thought that we might be able to get on the balcony for great views of the inauguration and the parade. Even if we can’t get in tomorrow (which is pretty likely), the Newseum is supposed to be one of the coolest museums. Natalie stayed behind to be plied with kids movies and grapes by her aunt.

When I got off the metro I realized why there wasn’t any traffic on the way up – everyone was downtown already. And the Barakaphanalia! Buttons, posters, keychains, mouse pads, hats, earmuffs – all plastered with the face of our next president. Barack is kicking off his presidency with his very own economic stimulus package tied to his own inauguration.

Tonight a quiet night of kid’s movies and more grapes.