One of the things that we’re trying to teach Natalie right now is how to use the TV remote control. She can already turn the TV on and off, but that just involves pressing a big button on the bottom of the TV. But if she turns on the TV and she doesn’t want to watch, say, “Meet the Press” or “Iron Chefs” then one of us needs to come and change the channel. This may not sound like much of an inconvenience, but after five years of being woken up at 6am we’re just too tired. It will be a great day when Natalie will be able to just go downstairs and tune the TV to “Martha Speaks”.

But I digress. This is not a story about teaching Natalie to use the remote.

Natalie wanted to turn off the TV upstairs in our bedroom last week. The TV is mounted on the wall and she can’t reach it, so she needed to use the remote. I told her to bring me the remote and I showed her that the button on the side at the top of the remote turned the TV on and off. And then it happened…

“You mean the button on the left?”

“Huh?”

Natalie reciting the Gettysburg address in Latin would have surprised me less. Natalie doesn’t know her left and right! We’ve never even discussed this. And yet here she was not just declaring her left and right, but doing it correctly (and without making a “L” with her thumb and forefinger by the way).

Natalie still only gets her shoes on the right foot about 70% of the time. How the heck did she learn left and right?

I asked her if they were teaching left and right in pre-school or on her TV shows. Nope. So I asked where she learned it and got an even bigger surprise.

“You taught me daddy”

Double “Huh?”

I’m not sure which is more concerning – that Natalie is learning things from me that I don’t recall teaching her or that I need to talk to my doctor about an Alzheimer test.

I suppose it doesn’t matter. I’ll probably just forget about both.

"Word Up"

At the dawn of time man created the word. But what did it mean? To explain its meaning he (or she) needed another word. So now he had two words that essentially described each other.

This is one of the challenges of being the parent of a five year old.

At least once a day Natalie asks me what a word means. And she’s not shy about it either. If I’m talking to her and I use a word she doesn’t know, she’ll stop the conversation to ask me. Usually we’ll talk a little bit about the word and make sure she understands it and then move on.

But occasionally (meaning more often than I like to admit) Natalie asks what a word means and I’ll say “A means B”. Natalie then wants to know what B means, and the first explanation that comes to mind is “B means A”. In logic, this is called a circular reference.

Yesterday Natalie asked me what “meant”, well, meant. (As in “I meant to eat all of Natalie’s Easter candy while she was asleep”). I explained that it was when someone did something on purpose. If only it ended there. Natalie then wanted to know what “on purpose” means and my immediate response was that it means someone meant to do something.

Huh?

Do you know what it’s like for a five year old little girl to look at you like you’re an idiot, but is too nice to say it? I do.

If only she could read. Then I could send her to her little girl dictionary.

At just to confound me (which does happen more than I would like) I’ll use a word and then realize that Natalie may not know what it means. Yesterday, it was “enthusiastic”.

“Natalie, do you know what enthusiastic means”

“Yes. It means to be excited about something”

Huh?

Natalie asked me this morning if I thought she was smarter than me. I said “Yes”

I'm (not) Just A Girl

Most of you will recall that Natalie attended the Presidential Inauguration in January. We lived so close that I could not imagine not taking her to this historical event. Not that she would understand the significance (though she certainly does remember being there). I wanted her to be able to say "I was there".

Several weeks ago Natalie and her mom were talking about the inauguration. She understands that the President is an important person and makes a lot of decisions impacting everyone in the country. Natalie's mom was explaining that Barack was the first President to be elected with dark skin. She went on to explain that there was a time when some people wouldn't like that, but that his election showed that not very many people felt that way anymore.

Natalie of course was totally oblivious to the possibility that someone's skin color might have an effect on, well, anything. Instead the only question she asked was…

"Can a girl be President?"

It's been great watching her first five years, but I'm absolutely certain that the next 25 are going to be fascinating.

That's Quite a Load You Have There

When you’re preparing to have kids (which by the way is absolutely impossible) one of the things that you start to realize is how much you don’t know. This knowledge breaks down into three categories: the things you know you don’t know (how to change a diaper), the things that you know, but don’t fully understand (the cumulative impact of perpetual sleep deprivation over 18 years), and what I like to call the “are you kidding me” (or the “what the &+@#&*%*&^%*” ) issues. This last category is made of things that never came near the threshold of contemplation until you realize that they’ve become your life. This musing deals with an issue that falls into the last of these categories.

Laundry may seem like an innocuous task. Everybody wears clothes and all of it needs to be washing. It should be added to the “death and taxes” quote. And it could even stand to reason that a young child who plays outside, draws with magic markers and does not yet know how to accurately convey food from her plate to her mouth might require more than the typical number of outfits washed.

But it’s not the number of outfits that needs washing. It’s the volume. I know it sounds like a subtle distinction, but when it comes too little girl clothes there is a significant difference.

From even a short distance away a laundry basket of adult or kid clothing looks remarkably similar. A closer look will reveal some differences. An average basket of adult clothes might contain 4-5 pairs of pants, a few t-shirts, 1-2 dress shirts and a few “personal” items. But your average basket of little girl clothing contains 375 pairs of pants, 298 shirts, 431 pairs of underpants and 16 blankies. Keep in mind both baskets take up exactly the same amount of space!

The washing and drying processes aren’t really an issue. The washer and dryer don’t care how many princess underpants there are – just that they fit into the machine. The real issue is folding them…there is absolutely no efficiency gains in the folding of kids clothing vs. adult clothing. It takes exactly the same amount of time to fold little, itty, bitty Tinkerbell underpants as it does to fold boxer shorts.

So I go in to the laundry room to fold the last basket of clothing and then I realize – it’s the colored load…

(Another thing you don’t realize until you have kids – their clothes have color and ours do not. If you think I’m kidding take a look at the next three pre-schoolers you see. I will guarantee that you all three will be wearing colors that you wouldn’t even consider wearing.)

…so what would normally be a 10 minute chore all of a sudden take 2 hours.

So if you’re wondering why it’s been so long since I posted the last blog, it’s been because I was folding little girl underpants.

My Secret Shame

I would say by most standards I’m a fairly involved father. I take Natalie to school on Mondays and Tuesdays, bring her to soccer every Saturday, make her dinner and do her laundry. I’ve changed my share of dirty diapers and changed the bed in the middle of the night when the sheets get wet (though I must admit to perhaps doing a little less than my fair share on this task). I’m not Superdad, but I’m no slouch either.

And professionally, I’d say that I’m fairly accomplished. Over the course of my career I’ve managed marketing campaigns that have generated in excess of $2 billion in revenue. I’ve increased the profitability for each of the companies that I’ve worked for, helped start and grow 3 different brands and built 5 customer databases. And now I’m striking out on my own in the worst economic climate in 70 years. I’m no Steve Jobs, but I’m no Willie Loman either.

I say this all to point out that I’m a pretty good dad and a fairly accomplished professional. There’s not a lot that I can’t do. But there is one little girl task that I have not, cannot and will never master…

HAIR

I am genetically and genderly challenged when it comes to the dealing with little girl hair. I can wash Natalie’s hair. And I can run a brush though her hair. But when the ribbons, elastics or barrettes come out I go running for the hills screaming in terror. I stand a better chance of finding a cure for cancer than I do creating a pony tail, pig tails or a braid.

If you think I’m kidding look a Natalie’s hair from last week’s inauguration. You don’t think I did that do you? That’s her hair from the day before. She slept with the elastics in her hair so I wouldn't have to do anything the next day.

I’m like the kid in class who can’t read, but has somehow managed to get to senior year without anyone knowing. On those occasions when I know that Natalie’s Mom won’t be around and her hair will need to be done I develop scenarios, alternatives, options all to ensure that I don’t have to even try to do her hair.

And the worst is when I have to ask another woman to do her hair, especially when she doesn’t have a child. I get this look that says “Sure I’ll make up your daughter’s hair, because it’s clear that you are inept and would probably do your daughter lasting psychological damage if you tried”.

Do you know that look? No. Well let me assure you that it exists. And the only comfort that I get is knowing that every other dad on the planet has also seen that look.

So now you know my secret.

Inaguaration Escapade - The Sequel

Yesterday at 12:01 pm Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th, and first African American, President of the United States. While Natalie can’t pronounce his name, she was there.

The day went much better than one could expect given that it was 25 degrees and one million other dads also decided to bring their daughters to the inauguration. In fact it went without a hitch, in very large part because of excellent suggestions by Natalie’s aunt and her friend.

In case you’re wondering, an inauguration requires great planning – what to bring, what to wear and so on. Here’s a partial list of what I packed the night before…

3 packets of Tissues
1 lb of gummy bears
16 small packs of Disney Princess Treats
1 lb Genoa salami
3 small bottles of water
2 packs of Oscar Meyer Lunchables
6 ft rope (more about that later)
2 pairs of mittens, hats and neckups
1 Reece’s Easter Egg
Small pack of Oreo’s
Digital Camera
Disposable Princess Camera
Binoculars

Did I mention that backpacks weren’t allowed? Thank goodness for cargo pants.

I woke Natalie up at 6:30 (it’s usually the other way around) and was stunned when I turned on the local news. The National Mall was already full! Inappropriate words rolled through my head (and may have passed my lips) as I watched a sea of people fill the TV screen.

Uh-oh.

If it was this packed before the sun came up, what was it going to be like in an hour or so? Although Natalie’s aunt’s friend left to get us a place in line at the Newseum when we were waking up, I never really expected we would get in. Hanging out on the National Mall was the backup plan that was really the main plan. If the crowds kept on getting bigger we’d end up on the other side of the Potomac.

It turned out that it was easier than I could have ever expected.

We left about 8am and caught a cab that was able to take us within 4 blocks of the Newseum. The crowds were heavy, but I had tied Natalie and I together - no kidding! I also stuffed my business cards in every pocket of her pants and coat in case we got separated.

While we were walking the last few blocks I came across the guy who was selling the BEST inauguration pins. I know it’s true because he told me so.

We were able to quickly and easily find the line to the Newseum and Natalie’s aunt’s friend, who was holding a place in line for us.

I am not a line jumper. And truth be told, doing so posed a bit of a moral quandary for me. But I think in situations involving four year olds, events of historical significance and temperatures below freezing there must be a precedent or exception of some sort.

Standing outside in temperatures below freezing with a four year old is a recipe for disaster, but I had been inspired the night before. About 11pm while pondering what to do while standing around idle for most of the day - it hit me! I downloaded 3 princess movies onto my iPhone for Natalie to watch. It didn’t stop her from being uncomfortable, but it distracted her enough to get us in the door without a major meltdown.

It wasn’t until we were inside that I fully understood how inspired the idea of watching the inauguration from the Newseum was. After going through security, we checked our coats (that’s right – there was a coat check!), went to the cafeteria for coffee (that’s right – hot coffee AND food) and went to the top floor where we could look straight down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capital. We were also able to look right out the front window and see the motorcade traveling from the White House to the ceremony.

We could barely make out the platform with binoculars, but I never expected to be close enough to see. The view from 4 miles is as good as 1 mile. But to be ¼ mile away, inside, warm, with flushable toilets and 75 large screen TVs simulcasting the ceremony from every major news source in the world, was about as great an experience as it could get.

Several times I tried to text and call Natalie’s mom to let her know all was well, but the phone circuits were so overwhelmed that there was no service. I finally had to borrow someone’s phone to call and let her know that we were doing fine.

Natalie sat along the wall, during the pre-ceremony events watching her princess movie. Every once in a while I’d pause the movie to point out former presidents or other notable events. When the time for the actual ceremony came, we watched from the 100 foot video wall showing the event from newsfeeds around the world. When Rick Warren included the Lord’s Prayer as part of his invocation Natalie recited it along with him. When the president-elect arrived Natalie took a picture of the screen with the disposable Princess camera I bought her. When he took the oath of office, she stood and clapped along with everyone else in the room.

Afterwards, during his speech we wandered back to the main room where we could see the Capital. As the ceremony wound down it was clear that Natalie wasn’t going to last another six hours for the parade, no matter how warm or how good the seats were, so we decided to leave.

The only hitch of the day came on our way back to Natalie’s aunt’s house. We couldn’t find a taxi, so we had to walk. In the grand scheme of what could have gone wrong, this barely merits comment. But I see it as a sign that the fates wanted Natalie to be there, and some price, no matter how paltry, needed to be extracted.

We got back to the house and watched the Congressional luncheon and start of the parade before heading home. There was some traffic on the way out of the city, but not as much as you might expect. And the trip south was uneventful. We arrived home exactly six hours after the oath was administered.

I asked Natalie what she liked least about going to the inauguration and without missing a beat she said “Standing in line in the cold and walking home”.

I then asked Natalie was she liked most and she replied “Watching the princess movie.” Then she added, “and seeing President Orack Obama”.

Inaguaration Escapade - Part I

Earlier today Natalie and I departed Richmond for our two day inauguration extravaganza. I didn’t vote for the guy, but there’s no denying that January 20 will mark an historic turning point for the country. I wanted Natalie to be able to tell her kids and grandkids that she was there.

Now I should say that almost everyone I’ve told has said that I’m crazy to bring a four year old to an inauguration that is expected to have 4 million people in attendance. The rest think the same thing, but I have to read it in their eyes.

So far things have worked out. We left Richmond at noon and the GPS said that it would take 1 hr and 45 minutes. I had packed enough kids movies for 3 times that, expecting gridlock the whole way. After about an hour I started wondering when the traffic would start. 15 minutes later I wanted to call Natalie’s mom to say that we still hadn’t hit the traffic, but I was afraid I’d jinx it. Then, 1 hr and 35 minutes after we left I was standing on Natalie’ aunt’s front stoop. No traffic – zip, zero, zilch.

I got here so early that I had no idea what to do with the rest of the day. I ended up going downtown to get a membership to the Newseum. Natalie’s aunt thought that we might be able to get on the balcony for great views of the inauguration and the parade. Even if we can’t get in tomorrow (which is pretty likely), the Newseum is supposed to be one of the coolest museums. Natalie stayed behind to be plied with kids movies and grapes by her aunt.

When I got off the metro I realized why there wasn’t any traffic on the way up – everyone was downtown already. And the Barakaphanalia! Buttons, posters, keychains, mouse pads, hats, earmuffs – all plastered with the face of our next president. Barack is kicking off his presidency with his very own economic stimulus package tied to his own inauguration.

Tonight a quiet night of kid’s movies and more grapes.