My Secret Shame

I would say by most standards I’m a fairly involved father. I take Natalie to school on Mondays and Tuesdays, bring her to soccer every Saturday, make her dinner and do her laundry. I’ve changed my share of dirty diapers and changed the bed in the middle of the night when the sheets get wet (though I must admit to perhaps doing a little less than my fair share on this task). I’m not Superdad, but I’m no slouch either.

And professionally, I’d say that I’m fairly accomplished. Over the course of my career I’ve managed marketing campaigns that have generated in excess of $2 billion in revenue. I’ve increased the profitability for each of the companies that I’ve worked for, helped start and grow 3 different brands and built 5 customer databases. And now I’m striking out on my own in the worst economic climate in 70 years. I’m no Steve Jobs, but I’m no Willie Loman either.

I say this all to point out that I’m a pretty good dad and a fairly accomplished professional. There’s not a lot that I can’t do. But there is one little girl task that I have not, cannot and will never master…

HAIR

I am genetically and genderly challenged when it comes to the dealing with little girl hair. I can wash Natalie’s hair. And I can run a brush though her hair. But when the ribbons, elastics or barrettes come out I go running for the hills screaming in terror. I stand a better chance of finding a cure for cancer than I do creating a pony tail, pig tails or a braid.

If you think I’m kidding look a Natalie’s hair from last week’s inauguration. You don’t think I did that do you? That’s her hair from the day before. She slept with the elastics in her hair so I wouldn't have to do anything the next day.

I’m like the kid in class who can’t read, but has somehow managed to get to senior year without anyone knowing. On those occasions when I know that Natalie’s Mom won’t be around and her hair will need to be done I develop scenarios, alternatives, options all to ensure that I don’t have to even try to do her hair.

And the worst is when I have to ask another woman to do her hair, especially when she doesn’t have a child. I get this look that says “Sure I’ll make up your daughter’s hair, because it’s clear that you are inept and would probably do your daughter lasting psychological damage if you tried”.

Do you know that look? No. Well let me assure you that it exists. And the only comfort that I get is knowing that every other dad on the planet has also seen that look.

So now you know my secret.